Aftermath
by Sweet Lu
Summary: Sequel to July's Christmas. Kensi is heard about what happened and Deeks tries to resolve some of his personal issues.


_This is a sequel to July's Christmas. Kensi needed her voice heard about what had happened and so I gave her this. Plus, Deeks needed to resolve some things as well...hope you enjoy their conversation._

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><p><strong>Aftermath<strong>

The morning after Christmas was starkly beautiful, crystal clear and cold, making the sky that particular shade of blue that reminded her of his eyes. She closed hers and remembered how his blue eyes always affected her, drawing her in with their kindness and becoming pale when he was full of mischief. Her breath caught in her throat as she recalled how they darkened when he looked at her with longing and she couldn't help herself, opening the door to the bedroom to check on him one more time, even though it had only been twenty minutes since she had looked in on him the last time.

She was comforted by his deep, regular breathing, so different this morning than late last night when he had struggled through a nightmare that had left his body covered in sweat. Now he was sprawled diagonally across the bed with one foot hanging out over the side. He was lying on his back and had pushed the covers away, exposing his chest and the dark stitches that traced the vicious cuts that scarred it. She shivered as she stared at them, afraid to imagine the pain each one represented. That he had willingly endured that pain to protect the girl and her baby, made her intensely proud of him but wildly angry that he'd had to make such an agonizing sacrifice.

She moved silently into the room and sat down next to him on the bed, seeking to calm her agitation. She lightly brushed his unruly hair away from his eyes, hoping she wouldn't wake him, but needing to touch him to convince herself he was here with her now and safe. She shivered briefly as she thought about how close he had come to being killed, and the scars on his chest would always remind her of that and now would forever be a testament to his survival. That he had survived at all seemed like a stroke of pure luck to her, unless you believed in something more spiritual, and she wasn't sure if she did or not. Decisions made on the spur of the moment made the difference and she was grateful for them and for the two men who had made them.

She let her fingers linger in the soft curls at the nape of his neck and she felt pure pleasure watching the sun stream in from the window to light the scruff of his beard. His arm lay tantalizingly close to her leg and she longed to run her hand along its length, feeling the warmth of his skin against her palm and fingers and the hint of strength in his muscles. But she didn't want to wake him so she let her memory of his body suffice for now. Her gaze wandered back to his face and she noticed the bruises around his eyes had transformed into an odd shade of grey green and made him look so very tired. He had been asleep for over fourteen hours now and he showed no signs that he was ready to join the day.

He had barely made it through the Christmas dinner Hetty had invited them to. His exhaustion was evident to everyone, but he had wanted to stay, and even though he was quiet she could see his enjoyment of the camaraderie by the sparkle in his eyes. He had always reveled in the group get-togethers Hetty arranged periodically, never resentful if she made them mandatory as some of the others sometimes were. That had always surprised her, because he had been such a loner early in their partnership. He spent so much time alone when he was undercover and that continued whenever he struggled to return to his normal self, spending off hours sitting alone in some seedy bar or on his surfboard floating in the ocean and letting the alias slowly dissolve and disappear. She had watched the change in him over time as he began to take pleasure in the interaction between the team; sometimes quietly observing and sometimes getting things going with a well timed smart-ass remark. She smiled as she remembered some of those times and felt her heart constrict at the thought of how much she had missed him these past two weeks. And the thought that he could easily have been gone forever hung in the shadows of her mind and chilled her suddenly.

She got up then and stole out of the room, knowing she should leave and let him sleep and regain his strength. If she didn't, she knew she would begin to kiss every part of his body and pull him as close as humanly possible and keep him there. She would always worry about him on ops, but she took comfort in the knowledge that in the coming year, he would always have her and the team to back him up. No more deep undercover assignments without people keeping track of him and guarding his safety as closely as possible. She knew their job was infinitely dangerous, but she felt she would now be able to have some confidence that he would be as safe as they could make him, that she would know where he was and could come to his aid if he needed it. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

This op had been different. This one had changed him, had made him come to the decision they had all been waiting for him to make, especially her. She wasn't sure what had made the difference, maybe it was the LAPD leaving him stranded in a dangerous situation, not answering his call when he needed them. Or maybe it was seeing a new life brought into the world. She had watched him with the child and she had seen something fresh in him, a kind of joy that was deeper than his normal cheerfulness. He seemed fascinated with the baby and she could see a sense of peace settle over him when the child wrapped his tiny fingers around one of his.

Maybe he had finally realized he deserved happiness in his life and was willing to fight for it. She could never shake the feeling that he blamed himself for the abuse his father had heaped on him as a child, that it was his fault his father hated him, that somehow he deserved to be beaten. She knew he feared that he was like his father in some ways and fearful that the demons that haunted his father were lurking somewhere deep inside of him and he was always on guard against them. He had mentioned at Hetty's house that the girl had encouraged him to take a chance on himself, to fight to be better than his parents, and he had laughed then and shook his head, telling her he couldn't believe that kind of wisdom had come from a sixteen-year-old girl.

She turned again toward the bedroom and smiled at the change in herself. She needed to take a chance on their happiness too, to believe that she had finally found a good man, a strong, kind man who made her laugh and made crazy, passionate love to her, all the while making her feel safe in the knowledge that he would stay with her and love her. She was finally willing to believe she deserved that kind of happiness as much as he did. They just needed to trust in each other and fight for each other and ignore the fear their pasts threw in their way.

She looked in on him once again, but this time his blue eyes were looking back at her, and they were soft and mild and then suddenly dark with longing and she walked slowly to his side and entwined her fingers in his and sat down once again on the bed.

"God, I missed you, Kens," he said softly as he brought her fingers to his lips and held them there as he closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. She took deep pleasure in his warm breath and the tickle of his beard against her hand and she reached out to touch his hair, running her fingers gently through it and then down the side of his cheek, caressing his face and then leaning down to replace her fingers with her lips and she heard him moan as she held his face and kissed him deeply and gently and lovingly, putting all her pent up emotion into the sensuous touch of her tongue to his. Eventually he pulled back to stare into her eyes, searching there for something she couldn't name but knowing she didn't have to. They were safe with each other, their knowledge, one of the other, a comfort that brought solace and reassurance to their mostly dangerous lives.

He stretched back against the pillow watching her silently and letting his eyes take in every part of her body. She said nothing, just letting him get his fill of her, letting him remind himself what he had missed and appreciating what was now his to appreciate again, and his gaze told her just how much he was still fascinated by her. There was a deep hunger in his eyes and something more that hadn't been there before this last assignment.

"I thought I was going to die, Kens." His voice broke as he spoke and she saw a ripple of fear pass through his eyes. "

He stopped speaking as his voice choked with emotion and he reached for her, pulling her against his side and tucking his head under her chin, and resting it on her breasts so he could hear the beat of her heart. She felt him sigh and his body relax as she gently stroked his arm and he pulled her closer. Her eyes misted with tears at what he'd said and she felt her own fear blend with his and her heart blazed with fierceness as she fought that fear.

"But you're here now, you're safe here with me," she whispered with such intensity that he pulled back to look at her.

"You were there with me when he cut me, Kens," he said quietly, his eyes dark and full of emotion. "You were all I thought about, but I couldn't give in, I couldn't let them know where she was, even if it meant I would never see you again. That was the hardest part for me. Deciding to sacrifice our happiness for hers. I didn't want to do that, Kens, but I had to." He looked away then and she could see the sadness that still clung to him.

"Can you ever forgive me, Kens?" he whispered it so softly she barely made out what he'd said. When she realized what he had asked, she was stunned. She was struck silent by his confession and by his need for forgiveness and her eyes filled with tears, but then she steeled herself to say what had to be said.

"Deeks!" He jerked away from her as she spoke his last name loudly, with a hint of rebuke. He sat up and leaned back against the pillow and waited, a look of hurt on his face as if she were about to strike him.

"You're a cop. You know it wouldn't have made any difference if you had told him or not." Her voice was that of a seasoned agent addressing her partner. "Deeks...Marty...even if you had told him, you know he would have killed you anyway." By the end she was whispering and her voice trembled as tears pooled once again in her eyes.

He stared at her for the longest time, his eyes vacant as if he were some place else. But then they cleared and focused as she watched him process what they both knew was true.

"You saved a woman and her child, Marty," She took his hands and held them tight. "And I'm proud of you. We all are." He nodded then and a fleeting smile crossed his lips as he laid his head back and looked out the window.

"And Callen and Sam saved me," His voice seemed to come from far away, almost dreamlike in tone. "Kensi, I never thanked them." His eyes flashed as he realized what he had forgotten.

"And Sam is pissed about that!" Kensi smiled wickedly at him as she saw the shock on his face.

"Really?" He looked at her with troubled eyes.

"You are too easy to fool today, Deeks," she punched him lightly on the leg, trying to find one part of his body that wasn't already marked with pain. "You must still be exhausted if you can't tell when I'm joking."

"Yeah, but it wasn't funny, Kens," he said, looking slightly pissed at her. "Did he say something?"

"Of course not," she said, sorry for what she had told him. He was being way too serious, which was not like him. This assignment had changed him somehow; she just hoped it hadn't changed him too much. She kind of liked the wiseass part of his personality. But she knew that part of him was just hidden for now, and when he recovered, it would bubble to the surface and irritate them all again, especially Sam.

"I need to see them," he said quietly, throwing the blankets off and getting out of bed. He stood up quickly, but immediately sat back down when he swayed unsteadily on his feet.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kensi put her hands on his shoulders to try and keep him from getting up again. "You need to rest. You can thank them tomorrow."

He tried to rise one more time, but she pushed him down and held him there.

"Don't make me cuff you to the bed!" Her voice was firm and determined and he looked at her with a wolfish grin and raised eyebrow at her comment.

"And what did you have in mind after that, Fern?" His old lopsided grin spread across his face.

"You're not ready for any extracurricular activity, Mr. Deeks," she laughed at the curious look he gave her.

"You sound like Hetty. And any fantasy with Hetty and handcuffs in it is very disturbing." He looked like his old self as he shook his head at his frightening vision.

"I promise not to try to escape if you promise to keep me company." He smiled and patted the bed as he scooted over to make room for her. "Of course, you may want to get rid of some of those clothes first. It's very hot under all these covers." His irrepressible nature seemed to have returned as his mind began to concentrate on the beautiful woman standing in front of him.

"You may have to help me with that," Kensi said softly as she crawled onto the bed, lying down next to him, propping herself up on an elbow as he slid down so that their faces were just inches apart.

He looked at her then and his hand gently swept her hair back over her shoulder as he pulled her close for a deep, slow kiss, then tracing and touching her lips sweetly with the tips of his fingers, his eyes never leaving her face. Those eyes turned serious as he rolled her onto her back and stared down at her, and he seemed to be searching her eyes for something and there was a look in his she couldn't explain. She expected him to begin to undress her, but he surprised her by hesitating and then lying back next to her and staring up at the ceiling. He stayed that way for quite a while until she started to fear he was reliving yesterday. Then he raised himself up on his elbow and looked at her with resolve.

"Kensi, I want to make love to you more than anything, right now," he whispered. "But I want you to know that I want more, Kens. I love you, and I want more than just a physical relationship with you, as incredible as that is. I want more than that. I want to make a life with you. I real life. And I'm willing to fight for that, to take a chance on myself and on you that we can find happiness. You need to know that is my intention and I need to know if you want that too."

Kensi was stunned. She searched his face and saw the determination and commitment there and her heart began to pound and tears suddenly clouded her eyes as she smiled.

"I think we both deserve that kind of happiness." she said softly and she saw a smile light his eyes and he laughed deeply as he took her face in his warm hands and kissed her until they both found release in laughter.

...


End file.
